Friday, January 30, 2009

The One Where I Was Inspired By Monster Vag

This Wednesday, a small contingent of the usual gang who go to Fantom were eating at the Capitol Grill and somehow got onto the subject of vampire sex. I say somehow, but even when there are like ten of us, the subject of weird sex is bound to come up at least once.

Having read the Necroscope series by Brian Lumley, I was able to freak out PJ, Kay and Gerald with, by far, one of the grossest depictions of "sex" we as a collective have ever heard. Along with a movie about a young woman who grows teeth in an inappropriate place, the idea formed in my head to make a movie about a 'Monster Vag', that swallows men whole and grows twenty feet tall. The movie would be filled with double entendres and Jensen Ackles pounding vag.

But that brainstorming session was just the inspiration I needed to start working on this oft-neglected hobby of mine. Just collecting the thoughts in my head made me want to write something, and let's face it, Monster Vag would have to be the world's first internet exclusive movie to see release. So, I decided to write something for here and I got some random stuff for ya:

I'm wondering if the last panel of this book was Ed Brubaker giving a shout-out to The Bourne Identity by Robert Ludlum. There a forum in which I could ask him?

As the dust settles from Final Crisis, I am pleased that Grant Morrison broke the cycle of Crises from DC. FC changes nothing history-wise. It's a characterwide crossover that only required you to read Superman Beyond 3-D mini(the greatest metatextual ending in comics), which makes sense since(sense squared) Morrison wrote that as well. It's like the original Secret Wars, except with Frankenstein attacking a possessed Wonder Woman with a giant fire-breathing dog and an army of Supermen saving the multiverse, one of which is Barack Obama. Awesome.

As far as the Faces of Evil covers go, the ones for Batman and Booster Gold are of dubious evil value. Catwoman can be forgiven for wanting some revenge on the guy who took her heart out in a plot against her ex-boyfriend and Enemy Ace wouldn't shoot at disabled planes. Not really evil. Deadshot isn't that evil either , but Secret Six is a great comic, especially Gail Simone's depiction of Bane as a caring father to a woman who's probably way older than himself.

I saw something on Wednesday that blew my mind, it was that insane. Apparently, Rob Liefeld is back to his Fighting American kick, the patriotic Golden Age he brought back as a bastardized version of Captain America when he was kicked off Heroes Reborn. He's leading off with Smash!, which by the cover is an obvious rip-off of Hulk. And the writer of this masterpiece:

Jeph Freakin' Loeb!

He is already writing a Hulk rip-off character for Marvel, which is one of the shittiest narratives in comics' history. Is this the project he was saving his serious Hulk material for or will Smash! achieve a level of abysmal that will cause comics to implode? I don't want to find out. I didn't even want to know this kind of convergence could exist.

Heavy Flo. Ugh.